Thursday, November 24, 2011

Nearly a month - lots to convey

Well, I definitely disappeared. I think I missed out on some opportunities to post. Here we are Thanksgiving day and I'm finally having some weight loss results again. I'm now down 46 lbs as of this morning after about 3 weeks of yoyoing between 272 and 268. Finally broke the 268 barrier with 266 and I couldn't be happier.

As I think of all my focus on the weight, I feel like somehow I forget the entire focus of being Primal, sometimes. I'm mentally and physically healthier with more energy than I can clearly remember... I think I had this much energy right before my parents divorce at around 12 (I can't remember exactly how old I was), which happened to coincide with the start of weight gain. My memory is getting a lot better, but I've lost some of my multi-tasking ability as the lack of caffeine contributed to most of that, but also contributed heavily to my insomnia.

Muscle cramps are at an all time low, and I'm starting to suspect that vegetable oils might be causing them. Honestly, every time I eat out, no matter how meticulous I am about how I order, I always leave with minor heartburn and wake up in the early hours of the morning with a leg muscle seized up. I've learned that putting pressure on the muscle (standing and putting as much of my weight as possible on the leg) usually causes it to stop (the faster the less soreness later), but when a muscle in the top of my foot does the same thing, there is no easy way to stop it. But I'm also considering the possibility that it might be fluid intake. I drink a lot more water in 1 sitting at a restaurant than I do in my own home cooking, mostly due to the lack of saturated fat and moisture in even the tastiest looking dish at the restaurant. A single 12 oz cup of water will normally last me hours at home, with only drinking half of it during the meal, while I'll go through nearly 30 oz of water in a single meal in the restaurant.

Changing gears, my subconscious desire for a relationship is getting ridiculous. I'm feeling like a high schooler in some ways in that regard all over again, and since I haven't dated in over 3 years, I'm a bit rusty on how to even approach a female on the subject. I like being direct, but I hate being direct about asking out of personal fear of rejection (as well as having some of that 'I'm too much of a fat ass to be loved' mentality lingering), and I think I messed up big time a few weeks back with that. I honestly don't care what it's called, who pays, what happens, as long as I learn more about them during the time. And if the back of my brain goes "Hey, pay more attention to her." I'm usually interested in asking them out just to make time to have some one on one. There wasn't any real one on one time to have a long discussion that evening, because mutual friends offered to 'double date' it. It ended on a short one on one discussion that I'm still mentally sorting through, but coming to the conclusion that I ultimately screwed up on and just need to move on in that regard. Maybe try again later, because from what I keep learning she's an awesome human being, but the old me of trying to push for more and more chances is just going to destroy even what could turn into an awesome friendship. I need to move slowly in this area of my life anyway, just because of how long it's been. Moving quickly with anyone would spell disaster for long term viability and I'd like to see who is out there that I could be most happy with. Watching too much TV growing up really warped my sense of how to find love and I would really like to experience the 'getting to know you phase' before I dump myself into a relationship.

Oh yeah, it's Thanksgiving. I really don't understand most holidays. A celebration of thanks created around the idea of surviving a colonization attempt of the New World with the help of the native peoples who would eventually be pushed off native lands and forced into reservations of some of the most undesired land that could be survived on. But, most people don't think about it, or just don't know, so when family members that don't drive me nuts make requests of my presence, I go to enjoy the company of people I don't see often. I'll be visiting my half sister and her family later this evening and seeing my mom and the rest of my blood siblings tomorrow. I'm looking forward to both.

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